if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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