Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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