Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
