im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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