Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
