She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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