dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
