Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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