the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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