No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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