Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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