please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
