Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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