Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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