hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
So many bounce houses so little time
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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