Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
