it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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