you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
