I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
