I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
