I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
