i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize