White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
