dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
