im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
