Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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