I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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