Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
