So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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