whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Alive.
So much puke
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
