Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
