HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
