I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
