Your dad touched me again.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
