Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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