my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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