You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
