how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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