My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
