dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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