Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
