i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
