You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
that's an acceptable place to lick
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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