I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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