If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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