I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I had to cum in my sink.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
