He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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