i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
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