i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
