fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
