You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
