I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
