Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
