It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You pole danced in your parka.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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