I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
