Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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