just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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