...so i touched it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize